Teenagers all feel like there is something very wrong with them. They have yet to learn, like us, that everyone is deeply flawed. They aren’t yet into the secret that everyone is winging it – that everyone feels self conscious, and that they have no idea what they are doing. They are trying to find an answer for this sense of feeling wrong. The idea that they have been born in the wrong body is an easily understood, very simple ‘solution’ to this discomfort. Our views as parents on gender identity aside, we should remember that their feelings of discomfort, or even self-hatred, is very real. Girls and young women are particularly vulnerable these feelings as they belong to the oppressed sex.
We can’t stop their feeling of discomfort but we can do our best to give our children the tools they need to cope with it.
It’s important to remember through this process that our children aren’t trying to be difficult. Whatever they are going through is hard and they have fallen for the ideology of ‘gender identity’. This doesn’t mean they are gullible, but they have been manipulated and have been taught that changing their bodies right and progressive. Undoubtedly, there are other mental health problems at play – as there are with most teenagers and young people.
This article is not written from the perspective as a psychologist, or a doctor, or a gender specialist of any kind but from the experiences of those involved in The Detransition Advocacy Network.
Treat other mental health problems, and don’t assume they are caused by the gender dysphoria.
Particularly, look out for eating disorders (and other pathological body image disorders and self harm behaviours) and autism. These conditions all go hand in hand. Some studies suggest up to 30% of trans identifying children are autistic, though the reasons why are unclear. Specialised support and healthcare for underlying conditions should be an immediate priority so they are able to make decisions about their gender dysphoria with more clarity and self understanding.
Understand that identifying as transgender is often a coping mechanism.
They are struggling with something outside of gender identity. Perhaps struggling with multiples of ‘somethings’. They might find that ‘passing’ as a man means they don’t feel the social pressure to start exploring romantic relationships, or that it stops unwanted street harassment. It could offer them freedom they feel they don’t have while they are perceived as their own sex – boys who love glitter and dresses and ballet might feel they will find it harder to find social acceptance ‘as a man’ than if they were to transition and ‘live as’ a woman.
A therapist can help your child detangle these issues, and you can help by working with them to help improve their confidence and further develop their personality outside of gender. This might mean encouraging them to learn a new skill or hobby, or giving them more (age appropriate) independence to travel.
Keep your kids close to you. They don’t want to hurt you.
Our approval is important to our children, even if it doesn’t feel like it to either party right now. For many parents, it can be distressing that their child has started to talk about hormones and transition, but keeping the communication lines open and ensuring their home is as safe and stable as possible should be our first priority.
Consider the way you treat your own body, and how you speak about it in front of them.
They’re watching you, and they are absorbing the things they see you do. Again, this is particularly important for girls and young women. If they hear their Mother putting herself or other women down (i.e. “I need to go on a diet”, “Oh she’s put on weight hasn’t she?”, “Your friends dress is far too tight for her figure”) they may internalize these feelings and apply the same thoughts about their own bodies.
Be on their side, in a way they recognise.
This might be going shopping with them, actively helping them pick out clothes, coming up with nickname ideas, helping them experiment with some new make up, join them in having a good whinge about how awful the expectations are that men and women act / dress / behave in certain ways. These things might feel like you’re encouraging their transition, but what you’re doing is offering safety and support for them to explore how they express themselves. If children and teenagers feel they can be all the things they could be if they were the opposite sex, they are more likely to desist (no citation for this, but at The Detransition Advocacy Network we see a pattern of young people who felt forced to transition because rigid gender roles were so upheld at home
Save your fight for the big battles.
It might feel uncomfortable, even painful, to call your child by a name they have chosen. My parents – to this day – will not call me ‘Charlie’ unless they are speaking to my friends in front of me, but this is a way your child is trying to gain some control over how they are seen.. By choosing not to battle these ‘smaller’ things, they are more likely to listen to you about the bigger things. What is a small battle and what is a big battle? That will be down to different children and different parents.
Place an emphasis on delaying steps to transition rather than forbidding them.
Remember what it is like to be a teenager. Forbidding anything is likely to get some sort of pushback. What we can do is shift the focus from forbidding to delaying bigger decisions until they’re older. Using excuses such as ‘This year we have your GCSE’s to focus on, and a referral to the Tavistock can wait a bit longer. Let’s put everything we can into getting you a great education so you can do the career your life, transition is always going to be an option around the corner.” Teenagers can be receptive to this type of reasoning, where outright forbidding them will make them feel infantalised and controlled, and they are more likely to dive deeper into gender identity.
Surround them in positive gender non conforming (gender critical) role models.
Show them that not only is it okay to reject sex stereotypes, but it is positive. For young women, this might be Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, Rey in Star Wars, Naomi Nagata in The Expense, the ‘Tank Girl’ comics, Jodie Whittaker in Doctor Who. Radical Feminist literature may also be helpful. For boys, there are less options for positive gender non conforming role models who embrace their sex, but Boy George, David Bowie, and Brian Molko might be considered ‘old’ enough to be cool again. You can also try being a role model for gender non conformity yourself. If you’re a Dad who’s always been a bit interested in some glittery eyeshadow, you might find you can use this as a way to bond with your son. Mums, perhaps now is the time to get that short pixie cut you’ve always wanted, or ditch your evening dress one night in favour of a smart suit.
There will be days on this journey that you feel completely lost, and unsure what to do for your child. We would like to reassure you that researching everything you can, considering their healthcare critically, and seeking the support of other parents, means you have an incredible dedication to their happiness.