Your child has told you they are transgender (or non-binary). What now?
First, the search for an expression of identity that means something is part of a natural childhood. We have all sought the answer to the question ‘who am I’ and some of us are still none the wiser. However, adopting an identity that is rooted in what we shall call ‘gender ideology’ is neither natural nor healthy. It stems from what we call transgender ideation, the idea that one might be transgender, which when ruminated upon can lead to feelings collectively labelled ‘gender incongruence‘. These feelings are also called ‘gender dysphoria‘ which is a deep seated unease or discomfort with one’s sexed body. Reaching the point when this discomfort manifests itself as a desire to ‘transition’ is something your child will have arrived at after much thought and rumination, they will have been indoctrinated into a worldview that is almost like a religion. When they announce their new identity, it is likely that they already have a deeply held belief about who they think they are. Such deeply held beliefs cannot be overturned with reason and logic.
Changes in society have created the environment in which young people find answers in adopting a transgender identity. There is pressure about how one is expected to look (gender stereotypes). A culture shift has occurred in which it is now considered ‘kind’ to ‘validate’ somebody’s chosen gender identity (e.g. using wrong pronouns). Lobbying groups campaigning on behalf of transgender people have had excessive influence and so have created a new and unnatural orthodoxy. The internet contains places which promote these new ways of thinking. Children and adolescents are being swept up in these changes.
They are not doing this to themselves – it is being done to them.
For your child to cease to be transgender (or non-binary), they must arrive at that decision of their own volition and in their own time. This is called desistance or detransition.
Detransition cannot be coerced. However, it is possible to create an environment which improves the conditions for it to occur.
- Keep a good relationship
- Ensure everyone understands both reality and the ideology
- Identify, and fix or manage the underlying cause(s)
- Help change society
Relationships
A child who believes they are transgender knows, deep down, that they are not. This internal conflict will surface, and not in a positive way. As parents, we are viscerally fearful that any harm might befall our children. It is difficult to maintain healthy loving family relationships with such forces at play. There are good resources online – Sasha Ayad is particularly good on this subject:
It is very likely that the whole family or household is affected by the difficulties which occur when one child identifies as transgender. Professional ‘family therapy’ is a thing, and it can definitely help. We can help you access such therapies.
One important aspect of maintaining a good relationship is that you, as the parent, are the ‘escape route’. Detransition can be at least as big a deal, and scary for your child, as transition. They need to know there is somewhere where they can feel safe and supported.
Reality and Ideology
Gender ideology is a collection of beliefs that, in summary, hold that somebody has a gender and that gender is separate from their sex. We might understand, from the field of linguistics, that gender can be used to categorise things as masculine, feminine or neuter. Men typically exhibit masculine traits and women exhibit typically feminine ones. Gender ideology includes the idea that if one is a masculine woman, then you must actually be a man. This video of a talk by Rebecca Reilly-Cooper is excellent in that it explains the ideology and the reality:
Underlying Causes
We know, as parents, that our children aren’t actually the opposite sex. We know ‘transgender’ is just a label and we hope they ‘grow out of it’ before any real harm is done.
However, our children do not know this. They believe they actually are the opposite sex (or neither in the case of non-binary). They have acquired this belief because they were susceptible to it. Their belief is a symptom of whatever it is that made them vulnerable at the time.
We know that these vulnerabilities are diverse. They include childhood trauma, anxiety, depression, autistic spectrum disorders, OCD, giftedness and repressed homosexuality. When young people find it difficult to manage these issues, they can resort to harmful coping strategies such as self-harming or eating disorders. Gender ideology, with its focus on gender stereotypes – macho men and pretty women, creates the conditions for body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.
It might be possible for psychotherapy or other specialist treatment to achieve resolution or a comfortable accommodation with the underlying vulnerability. Such therapy must be genuinely exploratory and never focused on ‘gender’. The child has to want to engage with it in good faith.
Society
Society has embraced much of gender ideology. This means that you can often find a newspaper article which reports a crime committed by a ‘woman’, the article uses female pronouns, and yet it is clear from the accompanying photograph that the perpetrator is a man. This misreporting is now the rule rather than the exception.
In medicine, an organisation called WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) has had great influence in establishing so-called ‘standards of care’ which promote the treatment of transgenderism with hormones and surgeries. Their standards of care do not meet internationally recognised standards. However, their influence in the field of gender medicine is so entrenched it will take a long time to reverse.
In education, organisations keen to promote gender ideology have dictated how schools educate children in sex, sexuality and in ‘gender identity’. Parents must ensure their child’s school is free from ideological materials. This is an ongoing battle.
Gender non-conformity is something which has been celebrated through the 20th Century, from Marlene Dietrich to Annie Lennox. Boy George built a career on being a ‘gender bender’. Come the 21st Century and society wants to transition effeminate men and masculine women. This is regressive and tantamount to homophobic conversion therapy. At the launch of The Detransition Advocacy Network in Manchester in November 2019 many of the young women there lamented the absence of butch lesbian role models in today’s society.
Society has been broken. It is our duty to fix it. We must create an environment in which a quirky adolescent is valid as they are. They do not have to embrace gender ideology and transition to be themselves. They are already themselves. And society must transition to accept them.