As a parent of a teenager, it can be challenging to have open and honest conversations with your child, especially when they are facing a problem that they do not want to talk about. It is important to approach these conversations with sensitivity and understanding, and to create a safe and supportive environment for your child to express themselves.

One approach that can be helpful in these situations is called transactional analysis, developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne. Transactional analysis is a theory of communication and personality that can be used to understand and improve relationships.

One important concept in transactional analysis is the idea of “ego states.” According to this theory, each person has three ego states: the parent ego state, the adult ego state, and the child ego state.
The parent ego state is characterized by the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that are learned from one’s own parents or other authority figures (typified by judgemental or authoritative statement, e.g. “you’re not going out dressed like that”).
The adult ego state is rational and objective, and is based on reality and facts.
The child ego state represents the emotional and spontaneous side of a person, and is based on past experiences and feelings (“that’s not fair”, “I hate you”, can indicate being in that state).

Key to understanding this model is that it is perfectly possible for a parent to be in a child ego state, and for a child to adopt a parent ego state.

When communicating with your teenager, it can be helpful to be aware of your own ego state and the ego state of your child. For example, if you are in a parent ego state, you may be more directive and controlling in your communication, which may not be helpful in fostering an open and honest conversation. Instead, it may be more effective to try to be in an adult ego state, which is more rational and objective.

To have an exploratory conversation with your teenager about a problem they do not want to talk about, try the following steps:

  • Create a safe and supportive environment: Make sure your teenager feels comfortable and secure, and that they know you are there to listen and support them, no matter what.
  • Use open-ended questions: Instead of asking direct and leading questions, try to use open-ended questions that allow your teenager to express themselves more fully.
    Listen actively: Pay attention to what your teenager is saying, and try to understand their perspective. Avoid interrupting or imposing your own views.
    Validate their feelings: Show your teenager that you understand and accept their feelings, even if you do not necessarily agree with them.
    Encourage exploration: Encourage your teenager to think about the problem and to explore different solutions or options.


By following these steps, you can create an open and supportive environment for your teenager to express themselves and work through any problems they may be facing. Remember to be patient and understanding, and to approach the conversation with an open mind. Discussions around transgender ideation can get very emotional very quickly, Keep everything in adult mode (this need not be humourless). The moment one party to the conversation seems to be slipping into a child or parent ego state, it is time to adjourn.