This article is first-person testimony from detransitioner Sinead Watson. She tells us how she overcame dysphoria after years of suffering from it.
Gender dysphoria is a sense of unease or distress due to a mismatch between ones biological sex and gender identity. This distress can be so intense it can lead to depression and, in severe cases, suicidal thoughts. I was assessed and diagnosed with gender dysphoria at the age of 24, having developed a sense of unease over my biological sex in my teens that eventually intensified into distress by my 20s.
The only treatment I was offered was medical transition, which I chose to undergo. I injected testosterone for 4 and a half years and had a double mastectomy when I was 26, believing that doing so would ease my dysphoria.
It did ease, for a while.
Unfortunately, my dysphoria would return with newfound intensity and I would come to regret my transition. I began detransition at 28, faced with the question: If transition didn’t help, how else can I treat my dysphoria?
I found the answer to that question, with no help from my therapists who showed no interest in discussing transition regret.
I’d like to share the answer now.
Note: Just as transition helps many but, for whatever reason, harms others like myself, I’d like to stress that the following is what I found to help me – it may not help others in a similar position, though I hope that it does.
Okay, here we go.
The first step was identifying what caused me to develop dysphoria. Looking back on difficult experiences and confronting painful memories I’d buried. Thinking about and analyzing these in detail, I was eventually able to open up to loved ones – to explain my thoughts.
Next was taking control of my distress by changing how I thought about it. Removing self-blame, I began to think of myself as someone I love – would I blame my sister or best friend if they’d experienced what I had?
Of course not, so why blame myself?
Next, I had to find healthy coping techniques. Whenever dysphoric thoughts occurred, I’d get the urge to isolate and binge drink. Instead, I’d do the opposite; I’d go for a walk, talk to someone or do something productive, fix or make something.
Sounds simple, but it works.
I accepted the dysphoric thoughts weren’t going away so ignoring them was pointless. Instead, when they occurred I’d talk to myself about them. Why do I hate my female body? Why do I want to be male? Where did that want come from when I don’t know what being male feels like? I stopped avoiding these questions and stopped avoiding situations I knew made me dysphoric.
I began to think of my dysphoria as unwanted intrusive thoughts. Trying to get rid of them made them worse, so I accepted them but didn’t let them stop me from doing what I wanted. I wish I was born male, but I wasn’t. I am female because I was born female.
This is my body and if I take care of it, it will take care of me.
Thoughts are just thoughts, and while they can be distracting or distressing, they can’t physically stop me from living my life. I know why I developed dysphoria. I know, despite the thoughts, I’m fortunate to be healthy and capable. I know, despite the thoughts, I’ve achieved goals and won battles. I know, despite the thoughts, I actually have it really good.
I accept myself, despite the thoughts. I’m a woman who deals with intrusive thoughts that tell me I should’ve been born male, that my body is “wrong,” but those thoughts are wrong and they’re not worth my time.
With this, over the past 6 months my dysphoria has dramatically decreased in frequency and intensity.
Talking about it with myself and my loved ones, finding healthy coping techniques, learning to love and be proud of myself and what I’m capable of and adopting self-acceptance has massively helped to alleviate my dysphoria.
I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been.
I hope those suffering from gender dysphoria, who either don’t want to transition or who did but have now detransitioned, will find peace. I never thought I would, but I have.
You can absolutely thrive by not letting dysphoria rule you.
Be the ruler of your own mind.
