This is a letter from a concerned mother to her daughter on the occasion of her becoming a teenager. This letter ties in with our theme of building Resilience.
Dear Daughter
In a few weeks you will officially be a teenager, 13 is a pivotal age for a young girl, I am proud of your strength, your confidence and your ability to express who you are and take space in this world.
It breaks my heart to tell you, that as you enter womanhood you will discover that we have hit a very dangerous time in history for women and young girls and there will be many fights ahead for your basic rights and safety. Our rights, including that of simply being listened to are being rolled back at an astonishing rate, I truly believe that at some point in the future we will look back at this time and be shocked and horrified, and that much of society will grapple with their conscience and many questions will demand answers.
First off, I’d like to tell about my beliefs, so you understand where I am coming from and offer you my interpretation of progress. For a very long time society has dictated expectations of how men and women, boys and girls, should behave, dress and express themselves simply because of the sex they were born into.
Many woman and feminists have fought against this, including myself, as we believe men and women should be free to express themselves however they please and not be restricted to stereotypical roles. If boys want to wear skirts and make up, they should be absolutely free to do so and be free from prejudice and abuse, girls should be free to shave their hair, wear boots and suits or whatever they like. Men should also be free to express their masculinity and girls should be free to be as feminine as they like. My idea and many others idea, of progress in society would allow people the freedom and the choice to just be themselves without prejudice or risk of being harmed.
However, because we live in patriarchal society (a society in which the majority of those in power are men) both men and woman who do not behave or express themselves in the expected ‘way’ that boys and girls ‘should’ are often punished and bullied by people, for example, feminine boys or masculine girls who do not fit into the norm, are often treated badly and it takes courage to be ourselves regardless. I’m incredibly proud that you express yourself authentically regardless of what people may or may not think, and this will hold you in good stead as you grow up.
As much as we can express ourselves as we choose, we cannot change our biology. We are animals, we are mammals, as you know, and as such our anatomy is designed to reproduce and ensure the survival of our species. We are born, we reproduce, we die and so cycle goes on. Our biology is nothing to be ashamed nor is something to fight against, it’s simply a fact of life.
Gender is term that has been used to reference the roles that society has expected of the two different sexes. I.e. The stereotypical gender role of a girl, for example, is to wear pink and like dolls, whereas the stereotypical gender roles of boys is to play football and fight. These gender roles have been created by society to try and force people to behave in certain ways. Both men and women who push against these roles and who do not conform to them, have historically experienced a lot of unkindness and prejudice. Despite this up until about 15/20 years ago, there was progress and gradually people were beginning to be more accepting of people who do not conform to these stereotypes (gender non -conforming people).
Humans can be both incredibly compassionate, loving and warm but also incredibly cruel. We are complicated beings in very complicated world and very little is simple or black and white. Often because of our culture and due to the consequence of people’s cruelty, there are a great many people who struggle with mental health problems, of which there are many types.
One such mental health problem is called gender dysphoria, up until recently it has been relatively rare but is a deeply distressing illness in which the person experiencing it feels extremely uncomfortable with their body and in particular the anatomy they were born with. Psychologists and therapists discovered that children who experienced this particular distress, would, with the right support and compassion often grow out of their discomfort and settle into the bodies. The majority of these children grew up to be gay and didn’t conform to the stereotypes or the sexuality that society had tried to force them into. A small proportion of these people continued to experience gender dysphoria into their adulthood and some of these people felt that the only way to reduce their distress was to alter their bodies to look like the opposite sex and try as best as they could to live their life as the opposite sex.
It’s a very drastic measure to have such body altering surgery, so this will have been a big decision and difficult one for those adults, but for some people it has helped them feel more comfortable in themselves. Sadly some of these people (often known as Transsexuals) have experienced cruelty and prejudice, because they are not conforming with the gender stereotypes.
In the last 20 years, society has got incredibly confused about the difference between sex and gender and this has started to cause some grave problems, particularly for women and girls. Many people remain very concerned about this confusion and the consequences of this mix up and where it has all come from. It’s important you understood at least some of the consequences of this as you grow into a young woman.
The idea of Trans children as has only existed in the last decade (10yrs) or so, Trans children are simply children who experience gender dysphoria and as we know, with right care most will settle into the bodies as they grow up. However, society has started to dismiss the idea that it is a mental health issue and have started to believe that’s trans children are genuinely born in the wrong body, that, for example, a boy who is experiencing gender dysphoria is actually born with the brain, mind and soul of a girl and that therefore their body needs to be corrected. There is no science or evidence that says there are specific girl brains and specific boy brains. So this idea is currently based on people’s beliefs alone.
However despite this being a belief and not a fact, a bit like religious beliefs, a large proportion of society has begun to believe this also. When ideas and beliefs that are not fact and not scientific spread through a society, we call it an ideology. Throughout time lots of different ideologies have spread through societies, and can be harmful because often they try to force other people who have different beliefs to have the same beliefs as them and punish people who don’t believe the same things – this happens all the time, all over the world.
Many people currently believe that Transgenderism is a new type of ideology and that this is why so many children now undergo surgery to change their bodies to replicate the opposite sex. This surgery is irreversible. We don’t understand why yet, but young children are told that they are able to consent to this surgery at very young age. There are lot of adults who very worried about this, as we don’t feel that children can fully understand what they are doing and what the consequences of this are. In our society, we do not allow children to drink till they are 18, because we do not feel, that they understand the consequences of this as well as it being harmful. So there are a lot of people including doctors who are campaigning to stop allowing children to change their bodies in this way because of how risky it is.
There are also more and more young people now, that as they get a little older, are deeply regretting consenting to this surgery, and have lifelong medical problems because of it, many are trying to ‘detransition’ i.e. go back the sex and body they were born in, but this is incredibly difficult, as for example, once a womb has been taken out of a body it cannot be put back.
Sadly, the majority of children that are now transitioning are girls and there are many, many more than in previous years. Some people who are studying this are really worried, because its seems that many girls do not want to be girls, because life can be harder for them than boys because of sexism and some scientists think this is why so many girls now want to try and change into boys.
There are also more and more young adult men and older men now saying that they have a female brains and that even though they have a male body they should be allowed to be treated in exactly the same way as a biological females. These people feel that they should be referred as women, (not trans women). This means that these people who have male bodies, want to be allowed to go into female toilets, female changing rooms, female sleeping areas, and female prisons. They also believe they should be able to take part in female sport categories and be allowed in female only support groups even though they have male bodies and were born male.
Many women and indeed some men along with a lot feminists do not feel this is fair and are very worried about it. I know we haven’t talked properly about this, but I know how astute and aware of the world you are. Even though things have changed a lot for women and girls in the last 100 years and we are a lot more equal, there is still a great deal of violence committed from men to women, so much in fact, that some call it an epidemic, we don’t fully understand why there is so much violence towards women from men, but because of this, it’s extra important that women and girls have private and safe spaces where men are not allowed, this is for our dignity as well as our safety.
Because women are worried about this, they have been trying to speak up publicly about their concerns for several years, and trying to find ways to make things fair for transsexuals but also safe for women and girls. Sadly, when women do speak out, they are threatened with violence and told they must be quiet, as it’s unkind to towards men who have gender dysphoria or to men who believe they have a female brain and soul. The threats of violence are now escalating and women including myself are too frightened to speak up, as if they do, they can lose their jobs and all friends and risk abuse and threats.
I’m so sorry to say, but these threats are getting worse and the people in power are not listening to women’s concerns, about children having ‘sex’ change surgery or about women losing their private spaces.
The reasons society is not listening to women and people studying this ideology, is not fully understand yet, but it is complicated, because human beings are complicated. As you enter your teens, I need you to hear that you and your body are one of the same thing, you may not always feel comfortable in your body, you may not always like it, but it’s yours and you own it, I promise you that you do not need to alter it, it’s is perfect as it is and exactly the way nature intended it be. Please don’t allow anyone else to tell you or suggest otherwise, In truth, you cannot really fix distress in the mind by changing the body.
Be proud of the strong young girl you are and the kick ass woman I know you will become. You have every right to privacy, dignity and safety. You will have to fight for this now, you will have to fight for some of your basic rights that were hard won a long time ago, as at this point in history these rights are being taken away.
The right to free speech and the right to speak up as a women are some of the most alarming rights that we are losing. Ill be fighting with you in whatever way I can and I wish I had the courage and capacity to speak up publicly. I have thought deeply about it, but right now I have too much to lose and the impact on my mental health, I believe would be catastrophic.
It’s easy to simply believe what people say without investigating, or thinking about it, especially those people who you look up to and those that normally have similar ideas and beliefs to you, but if it doesn’t quite sit right, no matter who is saying it, investigate further, ask questions and research both sides of the argument.
There are other points of view on this, other than mine and I want more than anything to be wrong. Look at the other perspectives and ask questions, work out what you think, we might disagree but that’s ok, we can still love and like people and not have the same opinions, but its important that we at least listen openly to all sides so that we are informed, you can’t truly form an opinion on something unless you have all information.
Life is messy and complicated, but you will find your allies, wherever you choose to stand if you stay true to yourself, your beliefs and your values and hold firm in them no matter what.
I love you very much
Mum
