When a child has become so uncomfortable in themselves that they see a new gender identity as a means of coping, life is already stressful for them. This discomfort is called gender dysphoria.
The causes of gender dysphoria are uncertain. We do know that in a great many cases it resolves itself – i.e. it is a phase. We have learnt that a great many young people who have the idea that they are transgender, do not have classic gender dysphoria. They might claim to have it, and this might develop into full-blown dysphoria through excess rumination (in much the same way people can develop phobias). It is for this reason we would prefer Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria (ROGD) to be described as Acquired Transgender Ideation.
When a person discards their gender identity it is called either desistance or detransition. For younger children the desistance rate is reported to be 88%
For post-pubertal adolescents, there are insufficient data. Long term studies (called longitudinal studies) tend to have high numbers of patients ‘lost to follow up’ which means that they are no longer engaging with the study. We do know that there are increasing numbers of detransitioners.
Helping your child get through their gender dysphoria requires balance.
While we know medical interventions to be harmful, dressing in clothes usually associated with the opposite sex can be just part of exploring one’s identity.
Here we present our (ever evolving) guide:
Acceptance
Your child needs to feel supported. It is possible to accept that your child is experiencing distress and wants to express themselves in a gender non-conforming manner without accepting all the tenets of gender ideology.
Communication is everything; being open-minded is the best approach. Whatever happens, they are still your child.
Be patient if they don’t want to talk about it and be supportive when they are ready.
When we say ‘Accept’ we mean accept that your child is having these difficulties. It does not mean ‘accept all their demands’. Your child might wish to be referred to by a different name and with different pronouns. This can feel particularly painful for parents. Birth names are often deeply personal and took much deliberation, while the wrong or made-up pronouns will seem illogical or ridiculous to a parent. Have this conversation. Sometimes it is possible to settle on a nickname. Using the correct (i.e. sex-based) pronouns helps maintain a link to reality.
Delay and Distract
‘Watchful waiting’ combined with psychotherapy for any underlying causes of distress offers better outcomes than ‘affirmation’. Delaying tactics can help to provide the space for dysphoria to resolve itself. For example, “let’s get you though your driving test first.” Play the long game.
Encourage wholesome and positive hobbies, interests and pastimes. Learning a musical instrument can help occupy the mind and so avoid rumination. Getting outdoors and connecting with nature helps on many levels. Anything which reduces the opportunities for your child to be concerned with their gender identity is good. Movies, books, concerts, volunteering – all these can help.
Friendship groups are important, encourage socialisation. Stress the importance of maintaining relationships with friends who do not ‘affirm’ their gender identity (your child will tend to seek out those who do).
Therapy
We hear time and again from detransitioners that they felt that they did not receive any or enough therapy during their transition. Very often, their gender dysphoria was a symptom of another underlying and unresolved issue. These issues are diverse and range from being unable to manage neurodiversity (e.g. autism and OCD) to anxiety and repressed homosexuality. It is critically important that such underlying issues are explored and resolved professionally and constructively as soon as practicable.
If gender dysphoria is a symptom then removing or mitigating the underlying cause is clearly an important goal.
“While some individuals manage to overcome symptoms of distress on their own, psychotherapy is often very helpful in bringing about the personal discovery that facilitates self-comfort and in dealing with strong emotions that may have resulted from peer-related challenges or social stigma. The best outcomes for those with gender dysphoria are associated with early diagnosis, a supportive environment, and comprehensive treatment that respects the wishes and desires of the individual.”
Psychology Today
We would add the caveat that what the patient ‘wishes and desires’ can be different to that which the patient needs, and so the key word in the quotation above is ‘respect’.
Respect
It is natural for a caring parent to be concerned for their child’s welfare. This is most difficult when your child’s issues are all tied up with their sexed body. Respect your child’s boundaries. It can be insensitive and uncomfortable to ask very personal, intimate or intrusive questions – so ask if it’s okay to ask, and respect the answer. Think carefully as to whether your line of questioning is appropriate.
Some of the ideas your child might express will be absurd or ridiculous. For example: ‘born in the wrong body’ or that identifying with the opposite sex actually makes one the opposite sex. It is easy to be dismissive or confrontational when faced with such absurdities. Listen to your child, try to understand their point of view. Young people can often see rejection of their ideas as rejection of themselves. Parental alienation can occur as a result of arguments around ideology. Tread carefully.
Educate Yourselves
It is important to learn as much as you can about what your child is going through. There are many resources online and we link to a growing collection of resources from this website. Please look at our Videos and Useful Links.
Safeguarding
Be alert for signs of withdrawal, depression, self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you notice any of these behaviours tell your child that you are there for them, and seek support from healthcare professionals.
Your child might wish to involve themselves in a ‘support group’. Unfortunately, almost all so-called LGBTQ+ support groups for youth have embraced the ‘gender affirmative model’. This means that they will ‘affirm’ your child’s gender identity and encourage them to believe in the wilder aspects of gender ideology e.g. that a lesbian can have a penis. Exploring sex and sexual preferences is a natural part of adolescence, but it is our duty as parents to protect our children from those who would exploit their naivety and curiosity.
Your child might well have acquired their idea of being transgender or non-binary online. They might also be seeking help and support via the internet. Almost all the websites offering support for gender dysphoric young people have embraced the ‘gender affirmative model’. While it is difficult to police the online activity of older teenagers, it is possible to be curious about the websites they are visiting. Remind adolescents of the dangers of divulging personal details and of what motives might lay behind the content they are consuming.
Seek Support
Our Duty was established to respond to the need for families with a gender dysphoric child to unite and share experiences and best practice. Emotional support is, we find, an important aspect of what we do. Meeting with other parents is often a cathartic experience and it is always the case that parents feel better equipped to endure the waiting knowing they have others they can talk to.
See our testimonials and join our network.